I've been a volunteer firefighter for over 13 years. And in that time I have seen many tragic and horrific things. I've had at least two people, one an infant, take their last breath while I was working to save their life and had other patients die later despite the best efforts of all involved. I've pulled burned bodies from houses, from cars. I've pulled bodies crushed and flayed from cars and trucks. I've seen more death than most normal people ever do. And I worry sometimes that I've grown too calloused, too harsh. That I think death is just part of the show, no big deal.
This morning I worked a wreck where a small car with a driver and passenger hit the rear of a log trailer that had just pulled into the roadway. Maybe the driver of the car had drifted off to sleep. Maybe he was texting and not paying attention. Regardless the car hit at full speed with predictable results. The front end of the car was demolished and the occupants dead, probably seconds after impact. Yes, they had on seat belts and yes the airbags deployed. it didn't matter. And I did my job. Cut the car apart, hauled the bodies out and helped the local mortician place them in body bags. Same scene, diferent day. Go get cleaned up afterward, do the paperwork and get to work, I'm running late.
And now I sit here, trying to work and do what I'm supposed to do to help people. But I can't. I feel...off, scattered, maybe even a little damaged. I didn't know them. No idea who they were. And I'm not the kind to grieve the unknown. But for some reason this one is bothering me. This ones messing with my head and despite my best efforts I can't find words to describe why. Writing this helps, but if you asked what's bothering me, i honestly couldn't say.
Life is short. And it can end with no notice, no warning, despite our best laid plans and what we think is security. Thank the Lord for each day you have. I do. And I'll get past this. I always do. I have to.
It's what i do.
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It just shows you are human. And that you see beyond this life we have on earth. Although, death is inevitable (we were born to die), death isn't an easy pill to swallow. It never will be.
I'm grieves my heart to see you hurting over this, but on the other hand, I'm glad to see that you are not as calloused as you felt you were becoming.
I do cherish everyday that the Lord gives to me. And at the end of the day, when my family is tucked quietly into bed, I breathe a sigh of relief... until the next day.
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