Just sayin...

Being at peace.

No...I'm not. Not close. And I doubt I ever will be truly at peace and calm with the world. The nature of the hobbies I pursue and what I do for a day job pretty much negate the idea. But I am finding myself happier now. And smiling a lot more which is causing some people to fear bad things are about to happen to them. Apparently as in HS I still scare people. 

Being happy is a choice. Despite the circumstance we find ourselves in, despite the pain and the anguish and the stress; it can be done. Having people in our lives to push us towards that goal is a major plus and right now, I have friends, a "pack" of them as it were, who are making me smile.

It's not a big thing. I just wanted to publically say, yes, I am happy now.

Later.

Hand to hand with death

It happened again tonight.

The tones dropped, patient unresponsive. And we rushed into a strange house full of screaming and crying people and found him laying there, his face turned that purple/blue color you never want to see. And we went to war. We used all the tricks and skills we knew, all the equipment modern medicine could give us. Drugs injected, high voltage shocks administered. And we brought him back to life, we had a pulse.

And then it was gone. And he was gone.

I'm very realistic about death. I believe with all my being that when God wants you to come home, He calls you home. All on His time table and reasoning. And I've been told by some people that much of what we do in these situations is futile, that you don't come back from a massive heart attack or pulmonary embolism. Maybe most don't.

But some do. 

God has led me down this path to learn these skills to save lives, has given me this ability to drop all my fear and anxiety and focus totally on trying to beat back death. Maybe we only win once out of 100 times.

I want that win. So I'll never stop.

Later.