Being at peace.
No...I'm not. Not close. And I doubt I ever will be truly at peace and calm with the world. The nature of the hobbies I pursue and what I do for a day job pretty much negate the idea. But I am finding myself happier now. And smiling a lot more which is causing some people to fear bad things are about to happen to them. Apparently as in HS I still scare people.
Being happy is a choice. Despite the circumstance we find ourselves in, despite the pain and the anguish and the stress; it can be done. Having people in our lives to push us towards that goal is a major plus and right now, I have friends, a "pack" of them as it were, who are making me smile.
It's not a big thing. I just wanted to publically say, yes, I am happy now.
Later.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Hand to hand with death
It happened again tonight.
The tones dropped, patient unresponsive. And we rushed into a strange house full of screaming and crying people and found him laying there, his face turned that purple/blue color you never want to see. And we went to war. We used all the tricks and skills we knew, all the equipment modern medicine could give us. Drugs injected, high voltage shocks administered. And we brought him back to life, we had a pulse.
And then it was gone. And he was gone.
I'm very realistic about death. I believe with all my being that when God wants you to come home, He calls you home. All on His time table and reasoning. And I've been told by some people that much of what we do in these situations is futile, that you don't come back from a massive heart attack or pulmonary embolism. Maybe most don't.
But some do.
God has led me down this path to learn these skills to save lives, has given me this ability to drop all my fear and anxiety and focus totally on trying to beat back death. Maybe we only win once out of 100 times.
I want that win. So I'll never stop.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Gut check
Yes, I still write. Just not as much as I should.
Last week I received some news that literally hit me in the gut and has made me have to stop and take inventory of my life and how and why I'm doing things. Back in January, Catherine and I decided to take out some more life insurance. I had felt it was needed since I am being more active as a fire fighter and much more aware of the chances of myself getting severely injured or killed in this little side hobby I do. So as part of taking out the new policy, the insurance folks send over a nurse who asks you a bunch of questions, has you pee in a cup and draws a few vials of blood. Last week I was told by our agent, also my sister in law, that the policy had been refused at the stated rate due to "abnormalities" in my blood test. Of course they wouldn't tell her what this emant and I had to wait another two days to get a letter and the test results. For those two days I tried not to let my mind go on about what it could be. It's never a good thing to have a background in science and have a sizeable amount of medical training and be told something is "abnormal." Your mind goes off on tangents it should not.
On Friday, I got the letter. The issue was with the hemoglobin a1c test, a standard blood test that most folks get anytime they have a physical done. The test shows what your average blood sugar level has been for the previous three months. Hemoglobin only live for about three months so the test basically shows how "sticky" they are with sugars. It shows a percentage, anything from 4 to 6% is supposed to be good. Over 6 and you may be at risk for diabetes. Over 6.5% and you're on track to have diabetes and in trouble.
I got 6.6%
So...I'm now, as far as I'm concerned, pre-diabetic. At major risk to have a disease of my own making that while it won't keep my from living, will be be damn annoying for many years and keep from living as long as I'd like. So now the fun part. A much stricter diet. Cutting out all junk, most carbs (trying the approach of 100 grams a day, no more) and I've got to get myself back in shape. I was doing good last year, was in better shape that I'd been in years when I went to Smokedivers. But after failing at that, I lost a lot of drive, a lot of self belief and now, I will freely admit, am an absolute mess.
So now I get to clean up the mess. Let's hope quite a bit by August 6.
Later.
Last week I received some news that literally hit me in the gut and has made me have to stop and take inventory of my life and how and why I'm doing things. Back in January, Catherine and I decided to take out some more life insurance. I had felt it was needed since I am being more active as a fire fighter and much more aware of the chances of myself getting severely injured or killed in this little side hobby I do. So as part of taking out the new policy, the insurance folks send over a nurse who asks you a bunch of questions, has you pee in a cup and draws a few vials of blood. Last week I was told by our agent, also my sister in law, that the policy had been refused at the stated rate due to "abnormalities" in my blood test. Of course they wouldn't tell her what this emant and I had to wait another two days to get a letter and the test results. For those two days I tried not to let my mind go on about what it could be. It's never a good thing to have a background in science and have a sizeable amount of medical training and be told something is "abnormal." Your mind goes off on tangents it should not.
On Friday, I got the letter. The issue was with the hemoglobin a1c test, a standard blood test that most folks get anytime they have a physical done. The test shows what your average blood sugar level has been for the previous three months. Hemoglobin only live for about three months so the test basically shows how "sticky" they are with sugars. It shows a percentage, anything from 4 to 6% is supposed to be good. Over 6 and you may be at risk for diabetes. Over 6.5% and you're on track to have diabetes and in trouble.
I got 6.6%
So...I'm now, as far as I'm concerned, pre-diabetic. At major risk to have a disease of my own making that while it won't keep my from living, will be be damn annoying for many years and keep from living as long as I'd like. So now the fun part. A much stricter diet. Cutting out all junk, most carbs (trying the approach of 100 grams a day, no more) and I've got to get myself back in shape. I was doing good last year, was in better shape that I'd been in years when I went to Smokedivers. But after failing at that, I lost a lot of drive, a lot of self belief and now, I will freely admit, am an absolute mess.
So now I get to clean up the mess. Let's hope quite a bit by August 6.
Later.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Dealing with it...
I've been a volunteer firefighter for over 13 years. And in that time I have seen many tragic and horrific things. I've had at least two people, one an infant, take their last breath while I was working to save their life and had other patients die later despite the best efforts of all involved. I've pulled burned bodies from houses, from cars. I've pulled bodies crushed and flayed from cars and trucks. I've seen more death than most normal people ever do. And I worry sometimes that I've grown too calloused, too harsh. That I think death is just part of the show, no big deal.
This morning I worked a wreck where a small car with a driver and passenger hit the rear of a log trailer that had just pulled into the roadway. Maybe the driver of the car had drifted off to sleep. Maybe he was texting and not paying attention. Regardless the car hit at full speed with predictable results. The front end of the car was demolished and the occupants dead, probably seconds after impact. Yes, they had on seat belts and yes the airbags deployed. it didn't matter. And I did my job. Cut the car apart, hauled the bodies out and helped the local mortician place them in body bags. Same scene, diferent day. Go get cleaned up afterward, do the paperwork and get to work, I'm running late.
And now I sit here, trying to work and do what I'm supposed to do to help people. But I can't. I feel...off, scattered, maybe even a little damaged. I didn't know them. No idea who they were. And I'm not the kind to grieve the unknown. But for some reason this one is bothering me. This ones messing with my head and despite my best efforts I can't find words to describe why. Writing this helps, but if you asked what's bothering me, i honestly couldn't say.
Life is short. And it can end with no notice, no warning, despite our best laid plans and what we think is security. Thank the Lord for each day you have. I do. And I'll get past this. I always do. I have to.
It's what i do.
This morning I worked a wreck where a small car with a driver and passenger hit the rear of a log trailer that had just pulled into the roadway. Maybe the driver of the car had drifted off to sleep. Maybe he was texting and not paying attention. Regardless the car hit at full speed with predictable results. The front end of the car was demolished and the occupants dead, probably seconds after impact. Yes, they had on seat belts and yes the airbags deployed. it didn't matter. And I did my job. Cut the car apart, hauled the bodies out and helped the local mortician place them in body bags. Same scene, diferent day. Go get cleaned up afterward, do the paperwork and get to work, I'm running late.
And now I sit here, trying to work and do what I'm supposed to do to help people. But I can't. I feel...off, scattered, maybe even a little damaged. I didn't know them. No idea who they were. And I'm not the kind to grieve the unknown. But for some reason this one is bothering me. This ones messing with my head and despite my best efforts I can't find words to describe why. Writing this helps, but if you asked what's bothering me, i honestly couldn't say.
Life is short. And it can end with no notice, no warning, despite our best laid plans and what we think is security. Thank the Lord for each day you have. I do. And I'll get past this. I always do. I have to.
It's what i do.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Change
I've decided today, now, is the start of something.
I've been half-assedly trying to start it, trying to change what I am and how I'm doing things. In the past few days I've been miserable and hateful at work, no drive, no motivation to do a thing. I'm tired of it.
1. The buck stops here. I accept responsibility for my past. I control my thoughts, my emotions and I am
responsible for my success.
responsible for my success.
2. I will seek wisdom. I will be a servant to others, listen to the council of wise men and choose my friends
with care.
with care.
3. I am a person of action. I am courageous, a leader. I seize this moment. I choose now.
4. I have a decided heart. I will not wait. I am passionate about my vision for the future. My course has
been charted and my destiny assured.
been charted and my destiny assured.
5. Today I will choose to be happy. I will greet each day with laughter. I will smile at every person I
meet. I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.
meet. I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.
6. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. I will
forgive those who criticize me unjustly. I will forgive myself.
forgive those who criticize me unjustly. I will forgive myself.
7. I will persist without exception. I will continue despite exhaustion. I focus on results. I am a person of
great faith.
great faith.
Anytime you start out to break boundaries and remake yourself, difficulties will arise, forces will come against you. I know this, I accept this. But I choose to move forward.
Later days...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Yes, it's been a long time since I wrote anything. Well, long time since I wrote anything and felt it should be thrown out to the masses.
First, Smoke Divers school.
I went, I survived, I did not succeed. I won't go into the details of what all it involved, if you're not a firefighter you really won't understand it. Simply put it was the toughest thing I've ever done physically and mentally. The reasons I didn't complete are both physical and mental. While it is true I did start blacking out, I let parts of the last evolution get in my head and cause me to burn out and then black out. I let myself down. One thing the course did teach me is I have a mild streak of claustrophobia I have to address and to hate 2' diameter pipe. I hate that damn pipe.
I will go back, complete it and walk out the final door, I have no choice in the matter.
Second, dinner with people I hadn't seen in 20 years.
Well 19 years. I'm in Austin for the ISP conference and two HS classmates, Erica and Amanda, live in the area. And so we decided to get together and have dinner at Chuy's in Round Rock. The conversation revealed that we're all doing well. Married, kids, careers, and generally happy. It was also revealed to me that they were both somehwat scared of me in HS. I believe Erica's quote was "At the reunion, I'd vote you as the guy who was most likely to bring a gun to school and kill someone." I smiled and informed her I preferred high explosives for mass casualty work...I'm kidding. I didn't say that, but from a tactical standpoint, more bang for the buck is better. This kind of information will be valuable to you when the Zombie hordes rise up and attempt to destroy humanity.
But I digress.
I honestly can't remember how I felt or what I thought about Erica and Amanda back then. I wasn't really friends with them but then I really wasn't friends with anyone. Yes, the antisocial streak is a long running theme. I guess what this dinner showed is what we should all know. What you did 20 years ago, what you did before you really started living life and making an impact on your world, it didn't mean a damn thing.
Lastly...a book review.
The Travelers Gift by Andy Andrews.
Yes the same Andy Andrews who is a comedian, who did the great joke about "as a kid, they told you not to run with a stick cause you'd poke your eye out. That makes no sense to a kid. You can poke your eye IN, but to poke it out, you're gonna have to run the stick up your nose and make it twist around, it just doesn't work."
Anyway, as to the book. Get it. Read it. Do it. This book will profoundly effect how you think about your place in the world and how you go about doing things.
One last thing...on baseball.
I said it last week, I'll say it again. Participation in youth sports can bring out the best in kids and the absolute worst in adults. When I was president of Dixie League 4 years ago, I said that I didn't care about All Star teams or the feelings of adults. It needed to all be about the kids and them having fun and learning the game. I still think that is how things need to be run.
Later...
First, Smoke Divers school.
I went, I survived, I did not succeed. I won't go into the details of what all it involved, if you're not a firefighter you really won't understand it. Simply put it was the toughest thing I've ever done physically and mentally. The reasons I didn't complete are both physical and mental. While it is true I did start blacking out, I let parts of the last evolution get in my head and cause me to burn out and then black out. I let myself down. One thing the course did teach me is I have a mild streak of claustrophobia I have to address and to hate 2' diameter pipe. I hate that damn pipe.
I will go back, complete it and walk out the final door, I have no choice in the matter.
Second, dinner with people I hadn't seen in 20 years.
Well 19 years. I'm in Austin for the ISP conference and two HS classmates, Erica and Amanda, live in the area. And so we decided to get together and have dinner at Chuy's in Round Rock. The conversation revealed that we're all doing well. Married, kids, careers, and generally happy. It was also revealed to me that they were both somehwat scared of me in HS. I believe Erica's quote was "At the reunion, I'd vote you as the guy who was most likely to bring a gun to school and kill someone." I smiled and informed her I preferred high explosives for mass casualty work...I'm kidding. I didn't say that, but from a tactical standpoint, more bang for the buck is better. This kind of information will be valuable to you when the Zombie hordes rise up and attempt to destroy humanity.
But I digress.
I honestly can't remember how I felt or what I thought about Erica and Amanda back then. I wasn't really friends with them but then I really wasn't friends with anyone. Yes, the antisocial streak is a long running theme. I guess what this dinner showed is what we should all know. What you did 20 years ago, what you did before you really started living life and making an impact on your world, it didn't mean a damn thing.
Lastly...a book review.
The Travelers Gift by Andy Andrews.
Yes the same Andy Andrews who is a comedian, who did the great joke about "as a kid, they told you not to run with a stick cause you'd poke your eye out. That makes no sense to a kid. You can poke your eye IN, but to poke it out, you're gonna have to run the stick up your nose and make it twist around, it just doesn't work."
Anyway, as to the book. Get it. Read it. Do it. This book will profoundly effect how you think about your place in the world and how you go about doing things.
One last thing...on baseball.
I said it last week, I'll say it again. Participation in youth sports can bring out the best in kids and the absolute worst in adults. When I was president of Dixie League 4 years ago, I said that I didn't care about All Star teams or the feelings of adults. It needed to all be about the kids and them having fun and learning the game. I still think that is how things need to be run.
Later...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Weekend...it was brutal
Since I am abstaining from Facebook, I figured I'd use this to let the world at large know I'm still alive and breathing. Also I have it linked so that the blogs here, appear on Facebook. Thus I am not actually on Facebook, but appear to be, thus really confusing some people. Least I hope so.
Saturday we had a small fire school over in Hemphill at their training grounds. I didn't have to put all my gear on and go through all the mazes, but considering what I'm going to put myself through in May, figured the practice would be good. And so I was in full bunker gear, with an air pack on, for about 3 hours straight. (thats about 50 lbs total stuff on, maybe more.) And the result. I wasn't dead tired. Tired yes, but not laying on the ground begging to be shot tired. This makes me feel better about the program I'm using to work out with and by May 1, I'll be ready.
We also had a political rally Saturday at the fire station. It included a cake auction for the ladies auxiliary's scholarship fund. They did very well, raising almost $3000 I am told. As for the political speeches...yeah, uhhuh. Public speaking is a lost art and while important in some jobs, is not a total indicator of a persons intelligence or abilities. Al Gore could make a fine speech. I wouldn't hire him to scrub toilets. My point is, do not let the way a person may react when foisted in front of a crowd be the only thing that influences your vote.
And who am I endorsing? Well...I have to vote in the Democrat primary because all the local races that effect me will be decided in that primary. As the Kinkstah said "all politics is yokel." Thus I can endorse Kay Bailey Hutchison, and it doesn't matter cause I can't vote for her. Rick's had his chance, he needs to go to the house. I'm also backing Kinky Friedman for ag commissioner and no idea for Governor.
As for the local races...still thinking about it. I'll let you know when I get back from Houston.
Also, if you're coming to the cookoff and need to get in our booth, let me know. No guarantee you'll get in, but I'll know who I can point and laugh at.
Later.
Saturday we had a small fire school over in Hemphill at their training grounds. I didn't have to put all my gear on and go through all the mazes, but considering what I'm going to put myself through in May, figured the practice would be good. And so I was in full bunker gear, with an air pack on, for about 3 hours straight. (thats about 50 lbs total stuff on, maybe more.) And the result. I wasn't dead tired. Tired yes, but not laying on the ground begging to be shot tired. This makes me feel better about the program I'm using to work out with and by May 1, I'll be ready.
We also had a political rally Saturday at the fire station. It included a cake auction for the ladies auxiliary's scholarship fund. They did very well, raising almost $3000 I am told. As for the political speeches...yeah, uhhuh. Public speaking is a lost art and while important in some jobs, is not a total indicator of a persons intelligence or abilities. Al Gore could make a fine speech. I wouldn't hire him to scrub toilets. My point is, do not let the way a person may react when foisted in front of a crowd be the only thing that influences your vote.
And who am I endorsing? Well...I have to vote in the Democrat primary because all the local races that effect me will be decided in that primary. As the Kinkstah said "all politics is yokel." Thus I can endorse Kay Bailey Hutchison, and it doesn't matter cause I can't vote for her. Rick's had his chance, he needs to go to the house. I'm also backing Kinky Friedman for ag commissioner and no idea for Governor.
As for the local races...still thinking about it. I'll let you know when I get back from Houston.
Also, if you're coming to the cookoff and need to get in our booth, let me know. No guarantee you'll get in, but I'll know who I can point and laugh at.
Later.
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