NO idea what I'm doing

Someone once said you should be careful about what you wish for, you might actually get it. In my case, that seems to have come true.

August of 2011 I moved out of my house, separated from my wife. I was tired of how I was being treated and I couldn't stand to be around her anymore. I went through the counseling, some attempts at working it out. In the end though, I was just faking it because it wasn't what I really wanted. I already had another plan in mind, and in place. And that's what I wanted.

And now here I am, divorced, and yet already entangled in a relationship that feels like it's just not right. Maybe it's me being too picky over things. Maybe it's the fact that the whole thing was created on bad terms and illicitly. Or maybe it's God getting in my head and saying "Son, you got things to fix."

The other night the realization came to me that I still loved my wife. It hit me hard. And yet I'm way deep into this other relationship and the part of me that hates to see anyone cry is not sure how to handle this.

In the end I don't know what to do. So I'm going to do the one thing I can do, and that's pray.

And if anyone else would like to pray for me, I'd appreciate it.

What is best?

“…what is best in life?”

“The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.”

“WRONG! Conan, what is best in life?”

“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

“That is good, that is good.”

Some of you might remember that famous movie scene and Arnold Scwartzanagher-Jinglehiemerschmidt doing his best to act. Conan really was an important movie, the first in the genre of barbarian/medieval fantasy. And it had an epic soundtrack. And a fair smattering of gratuitous nudity. I watched it again last weekend and the above scene really sticks in my mind. Not because of the fine dialogue, but because of the question.

What is best in life?

Summon up a dozen people and ask that and you will get a dozen answers. And none of them are wrong. As with most of the big questions in life your own experiences, beliefs and genetics are going to shade the reality of your answer. Ask a man about to drown and he will say air is best in life. Ask an elderly person in bad health and they may say the fact life is about to end is best. I But looking at the answers the Mongol and Conan gave really show that what is best comes down to whether you are one of the two types of people we all are.

The Mongol prince. To him, a horseman, a warrior, those things embodied the moments of pure joy in his life. Being out on the steppes, under the dome of the sky, the wind whipping around you and simply being in the moment. Maybe about to go rape, pillage and burn, bring back something for wife #5 like wives #6 and 7. But what it came down to is the enjoyment of what was around you. A fiend of mine in college would probably say the bite of ice cold Jaeger, the feel of the wind when running 90 down the highway, the taste of beer on a girls lips when you kiss her in a bar. Simply enjoying the moment for the moment. Being

Conan gave an answer that while it seems totally barbaric and cruel (he’s a barbarian, it’s his gig), it is the answer that is more mature, more responsible. Conan was bred and raised to do one thing. Fight and kill. And he was damn good at that job. His worth was in the ability to conquer an enemy, take a head, bring the spoils of war back to camp. Conan today would answer a great performance review, a 5% annual raise, faster computers and a clean bill of health on the annual prostate exam. What is best is what will help him provide results. Doing

Simply put. Most folks are either being or doing. Either you are driven to get something done or you’re in the moment and don’t care about what comes next. The problem lies in that the doer often overlooks the things in life that make it worth the doing. You’ve killed everyone in two continents and realize you have no one to share the spoils with, no Valeria. The being is simply content to ride in the wind and hunt and pillage and ignore the ambush and ends up on a pike pole in someone else’s camp.

Life is about finding a balance between these two aspects. Bust your ass at what you do, be the best at whatever your field of endeavor is. But realize why you’re doing it and take the time to enjoy the spoils of the war you’re waging.

Later…

Just sayin...

Being at peace.

No...I'm not. Not close. And I doubt I ever will be truly at peace and calm with the world. The nature of the hobbies I pursue and what I do for a day job pretty much negate the idea. But I am finding myself happier now. And smiling a lot more which is causing some people to fear bad things are about to happen to them. Apparently as in HS I still scare people. 

Being happy is a choice. Despite the circumstance we find ourselves in, despite the pain and the anguish and the stress; it can be done. Having people in our lives to push us towards that goal is a major plus and right now, I have friends, a "pack" of them as it were, who are making me smile.

It's not a big thing. I just wanted to publically say, yes, I am happy now.

Later.

Hand to hand with death

It happened again tonight.

The tones dropped, patient unresponsive. And we rushed into a strange house full of screaming and crying people and found him laying there, his face turned that purple/blue color you never want to see. And we went to war. We used all the tricks and skills we knew, all the equipment modern medicine could give us. Drugs injected, high voltage shocks administered. And we brought him back to life, we had a pulse.

And then it was gone. And he was gone.

I'm very realistic about death. I believe with all my being that when God wants you to come home, He calls you home. All on His time table and reasoning. And I've been told by some people that much of what we do in these situations is futile, that you don't come back from a massive heart attack or pulmonary embolism. Maybe most don't.

But some do. 

God has led me down this path to learn these skills to save lives, has given me this ability to drop all my fear and anxiety and focus totally on trying to beat back death. Maybe we only win once out of 100 times.

I want that win. So I'll never stop.

Later.

Gut check

Yes, I still write. Just not as much as I should.

Last week I received some news that literally hit me in the gut and has made me have to stop and take inventory of my life and how and why I'm doing things. Back in January, Catherine and I decided to take out some more life insurance. I had felt it was needed since I am being more active as a fire fighter and much more aware of the chances of myself getting severely injured or killed in this little side hobby I do. So as part of taking out the new policy, the insurance folks send over a nurse who asks you a bunch of questions, has you pee in a cup and draws a few vials of blood. Last week I was told by our agent, also my sister in law, that the policy had been refused at the stated rate due to "abnormalities" in my blood test. Of course they wouldn't tell her what this emant and I had to wait another two days to get a letter and the test results. For those two days I tried not to let my mind go on about what it could be. It's never a good thing to have a background in science and have a sizeable amount of medical training and be told something is "abnormal." Your mind goes off on tangents it should not.

On Friday, I got the letter. The issue was with the hemoglobin a1c test, a standard blood test that most folks get anytime they have a physical done. The test shows what your average blood sugar level has been for the previous three months. Hemoglobin only live for about three months so the test basically shows how "sticky" they are with sugars. It shows a percentage, anything from 4 to 6% is supposed to be good. Over 6 and you may be at risk for diabetes. Over 6.5% and you're on track to have diabetes and in trouble.

I got 6.6%

So...I'm now, as far as I'm concerned, pre-diabetic. At major risk to have a disease of my own making that while it won't keep my from living, will be be damn annoying for many years and keep from living as long as I'd like. So now the fun part. A much stricter diet. Cutting out all junk, most carbs (trying the approach of 100 grams a day, no more) and I've got to get myself back in shape. I was doing good last year, was in better shape that I'd been in years when I went to Smokedivers. But after failing at that, I lost a lot of drive, a lot of self belief and now, I will freely admit, am an absolute mess.

So now I get to clean up the mess. Let's hope quite a bit by August 6.

Later.

Dealing with it...

I've been a volunteer firefighter for over 13 years. And in that time I have seen many tragic and horrific things. I've had at least two people, one an infant,  take their last breath while I was working to save their life and had other patients die later despite the best efforts of all involved. I've pulled burned bodies from houses, from cars. I've pulled bodies crushed and flayed from cars and trucks. I've seen more death than most normal people ever do. And I worry sometimes that I've grown too calloused, too harsh. That I think death is just part of the show, no big deal.

This morning I worked a wreck where a small car with a driver and passenger hit the rear of a log trailer that had just pulled into the roadway. Maybe the driver of the car had drifted off to sleep. Maybe he was texting and not paying attention. Regardless the car hit at full speed with predictable results. The front end of the car was demolished and the occupants dead, probably seconds after impact. Yes, they had on seat belts and yes the airbags deployed. it didn't matter.  And I did my job. Cut the car apart, hauled the bodies out and helped the local mortician place them in body bags. Same scene, diferent day. Go get cleaned up afterward, do the paperwork and get to work, I'm running late.

And now I sit here, trying to work and do what I'm supposed to do to help people. But I can't. I feel...off, scattered, maybe even a little damaged. I didn't know them. No idea who they were. And I'm not the kind to grieve the unknown. But for some reason this one is bothering me. This ones messing with my head and despite my best efforts I can't find words to describe why. Writing this helps, but if you asked what's bothering me, i honestly couldn't say.

Life is short. And it can end with no notice, no warning, despite our best laid plans and what we think is security. Thank the Lord for each day you have. I do. And I'll get past this. I always do. I have to.

It's what i do. 

Change

I've decided today, now, is the start of something. 

I've been half-assedly trying to start it, trying to change what I am and how I'm doing things. In the past few days I've been miserable and hateful at work, no drive, no motivation to do a thing. I'm tired of it.

Back last blog I mentioned The Travelers Tale by Andy Andrews. I've reread the book twice now. And today I start the challenge of putting the seven decisions into practice. The idea is this. Starting with the first decision, for 21 days you read it as soon as you wake up and as the last thing you do before you go to sleep. 21 days and then you move onto the next decision. For those wondering what this consists of, here you go.

1. The buck stops here. I accept responsibility for my past. I control my thoughts, my emotions and I am
    responsible for my success.

2. I will seek wisdom. I will be a servant to others, listen to the council of wise men and choose my friends
    with care.

3. I am a person of action. I am courageous, a leader. I seize this moment. I choose now.

4. I have a decided heart. I will not wait. I am passionate about my vision for the future. My course has
    been charted and my destiny assured.

5. Today I will choose to be happy. I will greet each day with laughter. I will smile at every person I 
    meet. I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.

6. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. I will
    forgive those who criticize me unjustly. I will forgive myself.

7. I will persist without exception. I will continue despite exhaustion. I focus on results. I am a person of 
    great faith.

Anytime you start out to break boundaries and remake yourself, difficulties will arise, forces will come against you. I know this, I accept this. But I choose to move forward.

Later days...